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The Apostate’s Creed

I often believe in god, the life-force friendly
observer of heaven and earth.

I believe in a Jesus Christ, our good example
who might have been conceived by the Holy Spirit, if you go for that sort of thing,
born of the Virgin Mary,
victimized by the government,
was crucified, died, and buried;
he descended to the dead.
On the third day he rose again, maybe just spiritually in the hearts of his followers, we’re not sure;
he ascended into heaven,
he is seated at the right hand of the Father,
and he will come, but not to judge anybody, because judging is bad.

I believe in sending good thoughts,
the holy catholic pluralism,
the communion of mankind,
the redefinition of sins,
the supremacy of the body,
and that somehow everybody makes it (except Hitler and Donald Trump).

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11 thoughts on “The Apostate’s Creed”

  1. Peter Chun says:

    This is good! I’m afraid, however, that someone may read this and think to themselves “that sounds about right”—what am I saying; I’m afraid hat MOST of my friends on Facebook might read it and think that!

  2. Greg says:

    As compared to the one at Church:

    I BELIEVE in one God,
    the Father Almighty,
    maker of heaven and earth,
    and of all things visible and invisible;
    And in one Lord Jesus Christ,
    the Only Begotten Son of God,
    begotten of his Father before all worlds,
    God of God, Light of Light,
    very God of very God,
    begotten, not made,
    being of one substance with the Father;
    by whom all things were made;
    who for us men and for our salvation
    came down from heaven,


    and was incarnate by the Holy Ghost of the Virgin Mary,
    and was made man;


    and was crucified also for us under Pontius Pilate;
    he suffered and was buried;
    and the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures,
    and ascended into heaven,
    and sitteth on the right hand of the Father;
    and he shall come again, with glory,
    to judge both the quick and the dead;
    whose kingdom shall have no end.
    And I believe in the Holy Ghost the Lord, the Giver of Life,
    who proceedeth from the Father and the Son;
    who with the Father and the Son together
    is worshipped and glorified;
    who spake by the Prophets.
    And I believe one holy Catholic and Apostolic Church;
    I acknowledge one Baptism for the remission of sins;
    and I look for the resurrection of the dead,
    + and the life of the world to come. Amen.

    Some years ago, when Fr Rob handed a copy of the Creed to the young confirmands, he said, ‘People died for these words.’

    1. Sandy says:

      In our (Lutheran) church, we call that the Nicene Creed. It is separate and distinct from the Apostles creed. Sadly, Jared’s tongue-in-cheek version of the Apostles creed is what many people believe I would say, even in the church (and particularly in those churches that do not hold to the inspiration and infallibility of Scripture).

  3. Ken Brown says:

    Exquisitely apt photo selection there Jared . . .

  4. Marilyn McDonald says:

    Clever. Now if only I could believe you weren’t serious about Donald Trump…

  5. Bobby Grow says:

    This is intended to be used as an evangelical tool I’d imagine then?

  6. John r Novak says:

    Why would you use satire when speaking the ancient creed
    I guess the person who made this tongue and cheek pun
    Is not a Christian or believes blasphemy or texts that are sacred to Christians are somehow something you can make light of
    Well I do not find this humor amusing or in good taste

  7. Joseph E Knopick says:

    Oh I am a fool…I was going to argue against this. But I see that it is sarcasm. Thank you. It was the last part about the the Holy Spirit, Baptism, and the Church …that made me see that this is meant to warn the church.

  8. Diana says:

    The commenter is quoting the Nicene Creed. The creed used as the model of the above satire is the Apostles’ Creed. Very different creeds! (Both awesome and orthodox.)

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Jared C. Wilson

Jared C. Wilson is the Director of Content Strategy for Midwestern Seminary, managing editor of For The Church, director of The Pastoral Training Center at Liberty Baptist Church, and author of more than ten books, including Gospel Wakefulness, The Pastor’s Justification, and The Prodigal Church. You can follow him on Twitter.

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